Tonight was the first time I've done comedy in three months, because three months ago I nearly killed everyone in the front row for being the kind of cunts who pay money to go see comedy and don't laugh. But I don't even know if it was about that. It was partly because they weren't laughing at my jokes, and even though they were good ones I was tired of those jokes myself. Moreover, I was tired with what I had seen as a comedian; your friends become your competition, you constantly feel like you need to be working on something new, you get jealous of the people around you, and your failures always seem to outweigh your achievements. The comedy business is a ruthless bitch no matter what angle you look at it from. It is by far the hardest job I've ever done, just to bomb in front of drunks and people who expect too much.
I hated myself as a comic. I hate myself in general, but that's something I'm learning to live with the help of prescription anxiety medication and therapy (and alcohol and psychedelics). But I could never live with myself if I hated my comedy. And so I quit until I felt I could start again. So I did a show tonight, and it went allright. I wrote most of the jokes about 12 seconds before I went up, and improvised from there. It was all very personal material and very graphic, but I threw out the joke formulas on this one, and just talked about what mattered to me, as opposed to shit I thought mattered to other people.
And it worked. I'm listening to the audio now, and it's hard to tell what the fuck is working or not in a room full of drunks, but it sounds ok. It also sounds very real. Very, very real. And it felt that way too. It wasn't a killer set, but it was the most personal conversation I've had with a group of strangers that got laughs, ever. I'm really speaking from the heart the whole time I'm up there. AND I'M HOOKED.
I hated myself as a comic. I hate myself in general, but that's something I'm learning to live with the help of prescription anxiety medication and therapy (and alcohol and psychedelics). But I could never live with myself if I hated my comedy. And so I quit until I felt I could start again. So I did a show tonight, and it went allright. I wrote most of the jokes about 12 seconds before I went up, and improvised from there. It was all very personal material and very graphic, but I threw out the joke formulas on this one, and just talked about what mattered to me, as opposed to shit I thought mattered to other people.
And it worked. I'm listening to the audio now, and it's hard to tell what the fuck is working or not in a room full of drunks, but it sounds ok. It also sounds very real. Very, very real. And it felt that way too. It wasn't a killer set, but it was the most personal conversation I've had with a group of strangers that got laughs, ever. I'm really speaking from the heart the whole time I'm up there. AND I'M HOOKED.
