Flower (That Game Company) PS3

Game historians will have much to discuss when they look back upon this, the seventh generation of console gaming, however I doubt they will be discussing games like flower ( which is a good thing :p).

In Flower, the player assumes the role of a flower petal, and by aid of the wind is tasked with bringing life and color to the surrounding countryside. Much like in Fl0w, the controls are very primitive with the X button providing a boost of wind and the direction controls used for steering. By blowing the petal from flower to flower, the player gains more flower petals. Eventually once all the flower patches in an area have been activated, the countryside flourishes to life, and the player moves on the next level.

It is the simplness in this game, coupled with the atmospheric graphics and sound that accomploish what so few titles can do : take us to another world via gameplay. That's quite an accomplishment, as there are relativly few titles out there that take us places that we want to go. Flower is like interactive Lexapro for the Call of Duty addict (except Flower won't take away your sex drive). Someone needs to kidnap Jack Thompson, give him a few hits of LSD, and force him to play this game for 72 hours straight.

Rating: A

Yeah and it's called "The Haze/ Home /Socom Confrontation/The PSP/ UMD"

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Roll With The Punches (Part I of III)

At some point within the last ten years of my life, shit got really fucking complicated. Also, around the time that shit got really fucking complicated, I didn't realize that shit was getting really fucking complicated.

From this point forward, the phrase "shit got really fucking complicated" will be phrased as S.G.R.F.C, for the benefit of the younger reader, who upon reading this text will see said acronym and mistake it for a Gundam. What is a Gundam you ask? Well, let me try to explain...

Long ago, in the magical year of 1984, there was a show called Voltron. Much like the modern show Hanna Montana, Voltron told the tale of several rapscallion homosexuals who, when they become bored with sodomy, began a quest to harass the legions of Satanical alieniod lifeforms living in parallel dimensions and bathhouses.

Eventually the cyclopian warlords would land on earth and "start fucking shit up like shit had never been fucked ever before" (S.F.S.U.L.S.H.N.B.F.U.B) . Since in the future, all mankind must masterbate with sock puppets several times a day in order to maintain body heat, all of humanity's force's were on RedTube, and thus ill prepared to fend off a legion of demonic warlords, each on the size of a single Disney Store.

So the rapscallion homosexuals donned expensive suits of latex which offered no protection, as well as giant helmets {which, coincidentally made peripheral vision as natural a task as shoving shot glasses full of bison steak sauce up the bleached assholes of 1,000 vegans ). And each one piloted a mechanical lion (all of which really just look like a metal guinea pigs with cerebral palsy and fangs) who would prance all over and nut-knock the enemy like gay fleas with an attention disorder . Then five minutes before the show was about to end, all the mechanized lions who had not been scissor kicked into a black hole would form into the mighty robot Voltron, who wielded a giant electrical sword. Voltron also had many secondary weapons, such as being able to shoot missiles from the lions mouths, beating Christ in checkers, and aggressive end stage tuberculosis. Each show Voltron would use these weapons to "fuck shit up"( F.S.U. )and then sing to a live studio audience about the pains associated with growing up as a teenage girl who's father was a celebrated, yet one hit wonder, country superstar.

to be continued.....

Resistance 2 (PS3):

Yawning Through The Fight

Resistance 2 is nothing more than a great game with great online multiplayer. The problem arises when in game, on either solo or multiplayer, you begin to realize that there's something missing. Nothing is absent that makes the actual gameplay non-functional or non-satifiying, and I'm sure that die-hard Resistance fans will find that this sequal does everything Fall of Man did, only better. No, the problem with this game is not within the gameplay, rather, in it's standing amoungst other titles within the first person shooter genere. If you take the solo campain, for instance, at face value, you will find that essentially all you are doing is gunning shit down untill you reach the end of each level. If you play multiplayer you find yourself either gunning down Chimera cooperativily with other players, or gunning each other down in deathmatch or some other varient competivive type gameplay. But there's nothing to be found in either multiplayer mode that lends itself to addictive gameplay unless just shooting oppenents is something that you find addictive. Alongside other games like Call of Duty: WAW, or even the striped down leveling system of Quantum of Solace, Resistance 2 just dosen't stack up to the competition.
So unless you are a hardcore fan of the Resistance series, save your money. There are plenty of titles out there this season that do what Resistance 2 does in a more enjoyable way.

Winners and Loosers of the 7th Generation of gaming

The winners of the 7th generation of video game consoles will undoubtedly go down in history as the Nintendo Wii and the Xbox 360.  Having previously owned an xbox 360 ( ehem...four of them...) and owning a PS3 and a Wii now, I can tell you how I honestly feel about each system.

The Wii is awesome.  Sadly, it's also an overpriced gamecube with a modified processor and bluetooth wireless capabilities.  There are a few awesome Wii titles out there, and the rest are absolute (and this is a fact) garbage.  The Wii actually sells more consoles than it does games.  From a purely economic standpoint, the Wii is the winner.

The Xbox 360 is awesome, and Microsoft has refined Xbox Live to the point that it's THE online service for multiplayer gaming.  Sadly, the 360 hardware itself is more problematic than any other video game console in history.  What's worse is that Microsoft knew about a 68% failure rate for it's consoles in November of 2005, and while that number is said to have gone down I don't know a single person who hasn't had their 360 die on them for one reason or another.  EVEN WORSE is that Microsoft initially denied any knowledge of console defects, until some of the customers they had dicked over took them to court.  We may never know what the failure rate of the current line of 360's in America is but it's safe to say that Microsoft did as much as it could to prevent people from knowing that they were buying a defective product.  Microsoft wins because it's online service is outstanding.

The PlayStation 3 is a hugely under-rated piece of hardware.  More powerful than the Wii or the 360, the PS3 high price tag led to it's downfall in the 7th generation console wars.  People simply said, "I'm not paying 600 dollars for a fucking video game system".  Understandable logic, except that the PS3 is like the Ferrari of video game consoles.  It's an extremely powerful computer, that just so happens to also be a powerful Blu-Ray/game console system.  Unfortunately, what Sony exec's didn't take into consideration is that all Americans wanted was a console to play games on.  The PS3 is the most expensive contestant in the 7th generation of video games, but one could argue that unlike the the Wii or the 360, when you buy a PS3, you're actually getting what you paid for.  

So why does Microsoft piss me off?  Because of this shit...

The downloadable content for GTA IV and Fallout 3 looks awesome.  Except if you own a PS3, because for no good Goddamn reason, downloadable content for these games are going to be Games for Windows and Xbox 360 exclusive.   And apparently although Bethesda has been hush-hush about the details, it would appear that Microsoft paid them big money to make Fallout 3 downloadable content Microsoft exclusive.

Listen, when Bethesda makes Fallout 4, if they want to release it only for the 360 or the 720, then thats fine.  But it's something else altogether to produce Fallout 3 for both the 360 and the PS3, and then not release the downloadable content for both systems.  That's fucked up.  That's alienating an entire group of gamers for absolutely no other reason other than filling your coffers with more money.  And so I wrote an email to Todd Howard at Bethesda, and here it is.

To Mr. Howard,

I've been a loyal fan and consumer of Bethesda Software for several years, ever since I first played TES: Morrowind.  In 2004, when I first learned about Oblivion being on the Xbox 360, I saved every penny I could towards the future purchase of the console.  In fact, as I've told many people, the sole reason I got an xbox 360 was because of Oblivion.

In late October of this year, my Xbox 360 RRODed for the fourth time in two years.  Microsoft's refusal to fix the system, coupled with Fallout 3's upcoming release (which I had on pre-order) left me with with few choices.  So what I ended up doing, was trading in my Xbox 360 towards the purchase of a PS3.  Like oblivion, Fallout 3 was the only reason I went to drastic measures and bought a PS3.

I've learned that Bethesda has made a deal with Microsoft, and that there will be no Fallout downloadable content for the ps3, while 360 owners will get what sound like three sweet missions.  How could  you do this to the fans?  If you go ahead and release a game for both consoles, why would you alienate all the people who bought the game for PS3, and cock-block us from getting any downloadable content?

I'm not naive; the chances of this email swaying your opinion are none. I'm not going to boycott your products. But I had to let you know that I feel you made a wrong decision.  When I eventually find the money to buy another 360, I will buy it just for the downloadable content.  You're a rich man now so why should you care?  As 3Dog at GNR Radio might say, "Nice going scumbag."

Thanks for nothing,

    Jeremy Onorato 

Rachet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction Review (PS3)

I realize that this game is now over a year old, but after playing The Quest for Booty, I had to check out Tools of Destruction.  I must say, I've never liked platform games, but this game fucking rocks.  Not only is the single player mode massive, there's all kinds of unlockable content like skins and cheats which you can get by completing certain perimeters and collecting special items.  To put it short, this game is fucking epic.  It's a MUST have for anyone with a PS3, and it's easily one of the best titles for the system.  You wouldn't think a cartoonish platform could hold a candle to monster games like Resistance 1 & 2, Drakes's Fortune, Fallout 3 or any of the other great titles for the PlayStation 3, but the truth is that this game is right up there with those hits.  I would go as far to say that this might be one of the greatest video games of all time, for any console, of any era of video game history.  The quality delivered over countless hours of fun and engaging game play is unlike any game I've ever played in my life.  It's that good.