Resistance 2 (PS3):

Yawning Through The Fight

Resistance 2 is nothing more than a great game with great online multiplayer. The problem arises when in game, on either solo or multiplayer, you begin to realize that there's something missing. Nothing is absent that makes the actual gameplay non-functional or non-satifiying, and I'm sure that die-hard Resistance fans will find that this sequal does everything Fall of Man did, only better. No, the problem with this game is not within the gameplay, rather, in it's standing amoungst other titles within the first person shooter genere. If you take the solo campain, for instance, at face value, you will find that essentially all you are doing is gunning shit down untill you reach the end of each level. If you play multiplayer you find yourself either gunning down Chimera cooperativily with other players, or gunning each other down in deathmatch or some other varient competivive type gameplay. But there's nothing to be found in either multiplayer mode that lends itself to addictive gameplay unless just shooting oppenents is something that you find addictive. Alongside other games like Call of Duty: WAW, or even the striped down leveling system of Quantum of Solace, Resistance 2 just dosen't stack up to the competition.
So unless you are a hardcore fan of the Resistance series, save your money. There are plenty of titles out there this season that do what Resistance 2 does in a more enjoyable way.

Winners and Loosers of the 7th Generation of gaming

The winners of the 7th generation of video game consoles will undoubtedly go down in history as the Nintendo Wii and the Xbox 360.  Having previously owned an xbox 360 ( ehem...four of them...) and owning a PS3 and a Wii now, I can tell you how I honestly feel about each system.

The Wii is awesome.  Sadly, it's also an overpriced gamecube with a modified processor and bluetooth wireless capabilities.  There are a few awesome Wii titles out there, and the rest are absolute (and this is a fact) garbage.  The Wii actually sells more consoles than it does games.  From a purely economic standpoint, the Wii is the winner.

The Xbox 360 is awesome, and Microsoft has refined Xbox Live to the point that it's THE online service for multiplayer gaming.  Sadly, the 360 hardware itself is more problematic than any other video game console in history.  What's worse is that Microsoft knew about a 68% failure rate for it's consoles in November of 2005, and while that number is said to have gone down I don't know a single person who hasn't had their 360 die on them for one reason or another.  EVEN WORSE is that Microsoft initially denied any knowledge of console defects, until some of the customers they had dicked over took them to court.  We may never know what the failure rate of the current line of 360's in America is but it's safe to say that Microsoft did as much as it could to prevent people from knowing that they were buying a defective product.  Microsoft wins because it's online service is outstanding.

The PlayStation 3 is a hugely under-rated piece of hardware.  More powerful than the Wii or the 360, the PS3 high price tag led to it's downfall in the 7th generation console wars.  People simply said, "I'm not paying 600 dollars for a fucking video game system".  Understandable logic, except that the PS3 is like the Ferrari of video game consoles.  It's an extremely powerful computer, that just so happens to also be a powerful Blu-Ray/game console system.  Unfortunately, what Sony exec's didn't take into consideration is that all Americans wanted was a console to play games on.  The PS3 is the most expensive contestant in the 7th generation of video games, but one could argue that unlike the the Wii or the 360, when you buy a PS3, you're actually getting what you paid for.  

So why does Microsoft piss me off?  Because of this shit...

The downloadable content for GTA IV and Fallout 3 looks awesome.  Except if you own a PS3, because for no good Goddamn reason, downloadable content for these games are going to be Games for Windows and Xbox 360 exclusive.   And apparently although Bethesda has been hush-hush about the details, it would appear that Microsoft paid them big money to make Fallout 3 downloadable content Microsoft exclusive.

Listen, when Bethesda makes Fallout 4, if they want to release it only for the 360 or the 720, then thats fine.  But it's something else altogether to produce Fallout 3 for both the 360 and the PS3, and then not release the downloadable content for both systems.  That's fucked up.  That's alienating an entire group of gamers for absolutely no other reason other than filling your coffers with more money.  And so I wrote an email to Todd Howard at Bethesda, and here it is.

To Mr. Howard,

I've been a loyal fan and consumer of Bethesda Software for several years, ever since I first played TES: Morrowind.  In 2004, when I first learned about Oblivion being on the Xbox 360, I saved every penny I could towards the future purchase of the console.  In fact, as I've told many people, the sole reason I got an xbox 360 was because of Oblivion.

In late October of this year, my Xbox 360 RRODed for the fourth time in two years.  Microsoft's refusal to fix the system, coupled with Fallout 3's upcoming release (which I had on pre-order) left me with with few choices.  So what I ended up doing, was trading in my Xbox 360 towards the purchase of a PS3.  Like oblivion, Fallout 3 was the only reason I went to drastic measures and bought a PS3.

I've learned that Bethesda has made a deal with Microsoft, and that there will be no Fallout downloadable content for the ps3, while 360 owners will get what sound like three sweet missions.  How could  you do this to the fans?  If you go ahead and release a game for both consoles, why would you alienate all the people who bought the game for PS3, and cock-block us from getting any downloadable content?

I'm not naive; the chances of this email swaying your opinion are none. I'm not going to boycott your products. But I had to let you know that I feel you made a wrong decision.  When I eventually find the money to buy another 360, I will buy it just for the downloadable content.  You're a rich man now so why should you care?  As 3Dog at GNR Radio might say, "Nice going scumbag."

Thanks for nothing,

    Jeremy Onorato 

Rachet & Clank Future: Tools of Destruction Review (PS3)

I realize that this game is now over a year old, but after playing The Quest for Booty, I had to check out Tools of Destruction.  I must say, I've never liked platform games, but this game fucking rocks.  Not only is the single player mode massive, there's all kinds of unlockable content like skins and cheats which you can get by completing certain perimeters and collecting special items.  To put it short, this game is fucking epic.  It's a MUST have for anyone with a PS3, and it's easily one of the best titles for the system.  You wouldn't think a cartoonish platform could hold a candle to monster games like Resistance 1 & 2, Drakes's Fortune, Fallout 3 or any of the other great titles for the PlayStation 3, but the truth is that this game is right up there with those hits.  I would go as far to say that this might be one of the greatest video games of all time, for any console, of any era of video game history.  The quality delivered over countless hours of fun and engaging game play is unlike any game I've ever played in my life.  It's that good.

Ratchet and Clank Future: The Quest for Booty

I have always hated platformers for the simple reason that my hand eye coordination sucks fossilized Brontosauraus scrotum.  There exists a  fine line between challenging and frustrating gameplay when it comes to platform games.  Fortunatley developer Insomniac seems to have struck an even balance with the Ratchet and Clank sereies.  

So I guess it was my longing to get over my fear of the genre that prompted me to play this most recent title within the series, the first of which I played several eons ago (2002) on my brother's Ps2.  At that time I found the series to be as awesome as a mouthful of bursted genital warts (translation= I fucking hated it), but this time around was a totally different experience; I found myself blown away by quality of the gameplay, which had me fully engaged into the wee hours of the morning.  The only sour note is that the game is rather short and I finished it within just a few sittings.  Still,  I found Quest for Booty to be a fantastic and addictive adventure from start to finish, and I highly recommend that if you haven't played it yet, you give it a go. 

These are some of the pics I took from this years VGXPO in Philly.  It was a nightmare trying to get in if you didnt pre-register online, largely due to the fact that the setup looked like it had been set up by a group of five year olds.  The lines themselves were not a problem so much as the fact that they were everywhere, and many of them led to just groups of people standing idly around.  No, I'm not kidding.  We started out in a line going into the building, a line we were directed into and told this was the line for people looking to buy a ticket inside.  This would have been fine, except there was ZERO supervision being conducted to make sure that the lines themselves worked, and halfway through the wait you could see people just walking up to the doors and walking in, completely negating the line.  They would also close the doors after a certain number of people had gotten in, for what reason I'll never know, but the direct result was that with all the line cutting going on, we managed to stay in one spot before about a half an hour before I figured out that the only way in was just to walk towards the door as soon as it opened and just walk through groups of other people.  Finally when we got inside, we were told that there were two lines; one for cash and one for credit, and that the credit line was faster.  Well that would have been awesome if they had bothered to set up a system to seperate the two lines, because halfway through the building the lines converges into one.  There was a girl ONE GIRL, telling people to form into two lines.........it was madness.  Finally we said fuck it, and just started walking in between people, and when we got to the end of the credit line, there was one guy, directing ONE PERSON AT A TIME up an escalator to the upper level.  And the line for cash?  That line, which stretched to the back of the building and easily had three hundred people in it, ended in a group of people, most of them staff mixed with patrons, standing in a corner and chatting.  

When we actuallygot up the elevator, we had to wait in line to buy our tickets online AND THEN GET INTO ANOTHER LINE THAT WAITED FOR AN EMAIL FROM THE TICKETS WE HAD JUST BOUGHT SO THAT THEY COULD GIVE US TICKETS.  It was insane.  I remember less about the XPO than I do about the bullshit it took to get into the damn thing.  There was just no order at all.  It was a trainwreck.  Next year I'll be preordering and getting there early, SO I CAN WAIT IN LINES THAT DON'T LEAD TO ANYTHING.

FALLOUT 3 FIRST IMPRESSIONS

Fallout 3 is a very GOOD game. It pains me to admit this, but Fallout 3 is not as great a game as I was really expecting it to be in my mind's eye. I'm just throwing around numbers here, but I'd say that most( 75%) of the gamers who were excited for this release.......are probably going to enjoy the game because it is a very good RPG game, and they will probably play it through more than once. The other 25% of gamers will go batshit-insane and burn down all of Maryland. I got the game this morning at 12am, and I played for about 6 hours straight. It's not everything I expected. I have some complaints. I am a little disappointed. Things I call to question include minor details with the interface and the combat system.
All that said, I am having a blast playing the game, and I look forward to many more hours exploring all that this title has to offer. I will be posting a full update on the game in the next few days. In addition I am working on improvising some sort of grading system for the reviews on this site, so stop back often within the week. Thanks!

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune (PS3)

Somewhere in my brain there exists the memory of  my first glimpse of Drake's Fortune. It was in a then fresh copy of Game Informer, and although that issue now lurks somewhere in between the back of my toilet and the bathroom wall (an area I have designated as the "library of  the ancients"), my recent venture into the world of the Sony PS3 pushed this long forgotten memory to the front of my mind.  Two shitty Wii titles, my old Xbox360 network adapter, and Professor Layton were quickly retrieved from my bedroom (an area I have designated as " a squalid shithole") and I rushed to the local Game Stop (an area I have designated as "that place I burn all my money") to trade the items for store credit.  At last Drake's Fortune was mine!

My initial hopes and dreams for this game had always been something like " if LOST and Morrowind fucked and had a baby" which is retarded and makes zero sense, but this is how I thought way back in 2006.  The reality is that this game is something like "if LOST and Tomb Raider fucked and had a baby".  This is an equally fucking retarded analogy, but more true to the game play involved.

The whole experience of this game cannot be contrived by reading any review, let alone my bad attempts at a humorous one.  It absolutely must be played to be appreciated, the full effect of which is difficult to express.   There were cut scenes that had me laughing out loud they way I would in a movie, but that comparison doesn't really fit.  The style of art and the interface work together so well you will know what it truly means to play a "next gen" game.  This is a game that should be setting the mark for every other game out there.  An absolute masterpiece.

Dead Space (PS3)

  Survival horror games of all kinds generally have one or two ever prevalent genre related issues.  The game is either mind boggling fucked up and horrifying, but the combat sucks, or the game has a great combat system at the expense of not being all that scary.

  Dead Space suffers from neither issue. The combat is very good and provides the player with a nice selection of upgradable weapons and armor.  While the enemies look a little ridiculous, the feelings of overall dread and terror prevail throughout the entire game.  The graphics and the lighting are superb, and the sounds in this game are absolutely astonishing.  All in all this game is a must have for any serious gamer. 

An Open Letter To Microsoft: GET THESE BALLS

Alright so, I didn't want to have to write this article, let alone find myself in these circumstances.  As I've said before, Microsoft's customer service, sucks Donkey Kong nuts.  Last Friday, for the sixth time, I called the company's Xbox customer support and learned that once again, Microsoft had cancelled the order to send me the necessary packaging so I could send them the broken Xbox they gave me last year.  Not only had they cancelled the order, but the woman on the line actually tried to get my credit card number.  Here's how that convo went:

Xbox Customer Service Dummy: "Sir I need a credit card number for the repairs we will be doing to your console."

Me: "I'm not giving you my credit card number . Your company told me one month ago that, because it's an RRoD issue, Microsoft is issuing me an extended three year warranty on my system.  So I'm not paying for anything, so you don't need my credit card information."

Xbox Customer Support Dummy: "Oh, ah yes sir I'm sorry about that.  Yes you're not required to pay anything for this service."

Me (on this inside): "No shit."

So I told them to just send me an email with the order, and I would find some place to print it out, and then I would ship the console from a UPS store.  They told me I would get the email in 24 hours.

Two days later, when I still had not received an email, I called the support line again, and was told that, again, the company had mysteriously cancelled the order.  They asked me if I could wait on hold, and I said yes, and then sixteen minutes later, while I was still on hold, I was hung up on.

So I said fuck it......I'm trading all my shit in for a PS3.  So I did.  And you know what?  

I AM HAPPY NOW. HEHE.

Microsoft: The George W. Bush of consumer electronics!

Four is a special number in my life these days.  Four Xbox360 consoles I have had, all of which, have taken a shit.  Four is also the number of times, as of this posting, in which Microsoft customer support has bent me over the ottoman, and fucked me in the ass.  They have fucked up four times, not at actually at fixing the console, but at merely sending me the materials necessary to send them my broken console.  Four times.  I'm so fucking pissed, but I guess I should expect as much from a company like Microsoft.

Cube (PSP)

Simply Retarded

Cube is a puzzle based game, wherein you control a moving cube across a terrain of 3D blocks, and try to collect a bunch of keys while avoiding traps like mines, quicksand, bombs, and boredom.

Why is does this game exist? Why does Sony litter the PSN store with shit like this? Sure the level editor will keep you occupied for awhile, but who wants to construct levels for a game as ugly as this one?

When will Microsoft send me a replacement 360? Will I then be able to review decent fucking games? Or will Sony surprise me with a decent title for the PSP?

Is it too much to ask these huge corporations like Microsoft and Sony to deliver on quality products? And when is Nintendo gonna come out with a game that doesn't involve my fitness? I don't wanna loose weight or quit smoking Nintendo! I WANT TO PLAY SOME DECENT VIDEO GAMES!

Star Trek: Tactical Assult (PSP)

An Intergalactic Mess:

This game stands as proof that often times the worst games have titles that have nothing to do with the actual game play. Case in point. Star Trek: Tactical Assault is not in any way tactical, save for the way that playing the game has slowly shredded away any enjoyment I gain from using my PSP.

You can make your vessel speed up and slow down. You can overcharge the phazers with the ship's backup power for a little extra punch. You can spin in a circle (Weeeeeeeee!), and you can fire the photon torpedo's. The shields are represented by a segmented circle that surrounds your ship. These segments, as they take damage, turn from green, to yellow, to red.

And after the last of your shields turn red, turn off the game because it's a steaming pile of otter shit.

You can't control power to the shields at all. The game leads you to believe that investing crew points into the shield's recharge ability will help recharge the shields. It won't help. Once those shields start taking damaged you are fucked, unless you warp to another system, which conveniently cannot be done during a battle, so uh ...yeah, you're fucked.

All the levels are dotted with planets and asteroids, which if you hit, kill you and the game is over. This is odd, because when you run into an enemy ship you pass through it like a playful fucking ghost. Also since there are no save points in any of the missions, you will need to start the mission over again from the beginning. The A.I. in the game are FUCKING SOUP NAZIS and it's not long before the game is throwing waves of them at you. With no way to control or repair the shields, its only a matter of time before the game gives you more enemies than you can actually survive an attack from. There are times that you fight alongside Federation vessels, but of course, you have no real control over these ships, as they are computer controlled, and thus making the game play even less tactical. Christ wept.

This game is just about outlasting the enemy waves, most of which are spent fighting in circles, one ship chasing the other ship by the tail, and every now and then you hit a planet and the game ends. Thank Christ.

Fall is here!

Fall is here people, so break out the cider, wrap yourself up in a ridiculously long scarf, and put on a fancy hat!!

While today may not technically be the first day of fall, I say....who gives a shit! It's fucking fall!! I say, leave the accuracy to the people who remind us of all the Jewish Holidays on the calendar. That's right, the Jews. Leave the precision to the Sons of David(?) and the rest of us will be outside, playing in the leaves and getting ready for Halloween!

Fall is, of course, next to Summer, the best time of year.

But what about those people who say that Spring or Winter are the next best times of year? Or the people who challenge Fall's number one spot as best season of all?

They're all wrong. Godless sodomites who practice rituals involving anal sex and blood drinking, they are all wrong. Fall is the best, and summer is the next best. If you agree, thats awesome, if you don't just remember, you're a Godless sodomite who takes it in the ass and consumes blood for nutrition. Case closed.

In addition to fall being already awesome and shit, this fall promises to be even more ridiculous than all other falls in recent memory, especially if you're a gamer. While the fall of 2007 had a few titles of note (Halo3 and COD4), this fall will see the release some of the most highly anticipated and action packed titles in recent memory. Fallout 3 (OMFG), Fable 2, and Call of Duty 5 are but a few of the many releases that are on their way to store this fall.

And I can only hope Microsoft repairs my 360 console (which RRoDed last month on an Orange Box update....fourth freaking console) in time for at least the release of Fallout 3. Or there will be bloodshed.

In the meanwhiles I'll be reviewing games on the Wii and the PSP. Like anybody really needs reviews for those consoles......BUT NEVER THE LESS THE REVIEWS WILL CONTINUE!

PRAISE FALL!

Untold Legends :Brotherhood of the Blade Review

Fuck me. Here I am all settled in to pen my first game review, and turns out.......shits' been out for like almost three years. Whatever.

Untold Legends: Brotherhood of the Blade, is yet another Diablo-styled RPG that adds nothing to the genre that hasn't been done already. Really, if this game were on any platform other than the PSP, it would be totally worthless. But because the PSP has only a handful of games that don't suck Viking cock, any hack and slash Diablo rip-off shines like gold on the system.

The story of this game is.....aw' fuck it, I have no idea what the story is about. Everything about this game that dosn't involve killing shit is a snooze fest. Rescue this bitch from some spiders. Go get this book from some zombies. Kill this monster. The whole game is essentially a bunch of generic story lines mushed together.

The difficulty range of this game can be summed up as such:

YOUR MOM + 10 ROOFIES= SOME EASY FUCKIN' SHIT

Towards the end of my first play through, my Knight was swathing through every bad guy like Hurricane Katrina through a group of minorities. This might sound like a good thing, but it's not, since it basically makes all the skills you've been investing XP into totally worthless. I have yet to play the game as any of the three other characters, but I have pretty good reason to believe that all the characters in the game are overpowered by the time they get to level fifteen.

So what makes this game worth playing? It's not a bad game, it's just kinda broken and repetative. Unless you're a Diablo purist, or a Blizzard employee, you'll have fun with this title simple because it's kinda like Diablo and it's portable. To put it simply, this game is kinda like fast food; don't expect a deeply moving experience, just eat your fucking Happy Meal and enjoy it.