KiIllzone: Liberation (PSP)

My PSP is allot like the my Wii in many regards. Both have been collecting dust in a cabinet for many months now, and both are notorious for their large catalogue of fucking horrible games.

So I really want to like this game, really I do. It's not often that Sony releases major titles of their portable gaming system, not to mention downloadable ones. There's just one little problem.


This game is fucking terrible. So hideous and unbelievably unplayable is this piece of shit that, every time I think about how I paid $20 for it, I punch myself in the eye. I've played allot of shitty video games in my life. Since I started reviewing games, however, the number of terrible games I've exposed myself to has doubled. But in all that time I've never played a game as fucking horrid as Killzone: Liberation.

In the game you control your character through a 3/4 top down view of the world. I use the word "control" here very loosely, as this game will thwart your every attempt to control anything. You use the right bumper to duck behind objects, and the square button to fire. Holding the left bumper while moving the character with the analogue stick allows you to strafe. Those controls work fine. The rest make this game unplayable. The targeting system doesn't work at all, which is great, because during specific battles of the game, targeting is essential. One of the levels requires you to operate a tank through most of the level; I defy anyone to enjoy this game while operating the tank. The controls are so awful it's almost like torture.

But the best/worst aspect of this game is the way you interact with the environment. Normally you use the X button to open supply crates, get power ups, and manually strike enemies. But this game is so fucking atrocious, the developers just had to make that X button do something else. When you are hit hard by enemy fire, your character will fall to the ground; you will then be prompted to hit the X button to MAKE HIM FUCKING GET UP.

Do not buy this game. Some people may say to you "Hey you should get Killzone:Liberation. I hear it's a really good game!" Fuck these people for they are assholes without measure. Kill them with a shovel and move on with your life.

I need to hug a redneck / Power Tools Are Scary!

This morning I had an emotional breakdown, because the relationship I'm in with my partner is just not working out.  I'm sure you've been there before;  your with whomever. Things are going great....when it happens.  It's like hearing a gear in some unseen and primal dimension turn backwards.   The ground before the two of you feels unstable.  For a minute you are both held in a daze of manic uncertainty, wondering what will happen in the moments that follow.  Then, with horrific precision, the relationship itself bursts and tears itself to shreds, like the skin of some gigantic rotting citrus bursting off the vine......

Of course I'm talking about my relationship with Sony's Playstation 3.  I don't know how to relate this to the average working class dick, but here goes...

Living with an Xbox 360 console was like dating the girl of your dreams, a beautiful girl with amazing personality and spirit, and then one day find out she had been a dude.  But you got over that somehow, and things were fine for awhile, and then one night you pull the sheets back on your lover, and she's grown a big ol' cock.  Now you are both confused, but decide to make the best of the situation, and spend the evening playing swords.  You wake up the next morning, and for no plausible reason, the girl has turned into a huge set of dick and balls made out of tuna casserole.

At this point your thinking that there are probably other, better fish in the sea, so you dump the chick.  You really like this gal but she's just too unpredictable.  Not long after you dump the last girl, you decide to start pursuing a relationship with another female.  This girl is fucking retarded, but you can get past her total inability to keep herself from licking every car window in site.  This chick is an ex-porn star with enough money in the bank to allow you to retire and just fuck her brains out all day.   Which is what you do after marrying her.   You can do this and sleep at night because your better off now than before.  A shape shifting transsexual tuna casserole dildo is, after all is said and done......really, really fucked up no matter how you spin it.  

"Besides ," you say to yourself " it's not like retarded people get more retarded as they age.  That shit would be retarded".  And then like every night before you fall asleep, you punch yourself in the balls.   

That's what switching to a PS3 was like for me.  I was that man who punches himself in the nuts every night before bed.  My PS3 was that porno actress, who, due to her mental retardation, licked nearly as many car windows as she did ball sacks.  And that little water head princess keeps getting more, and more retarded.  When Sony released the beta of Home, my little angle banged her head against a dead cow's festering ass for a solid week.  I can hardly wait until the next bundle of PSP titles come out!  She'll finally have the courage to dry hump that grain thresher she's been eyeing all winter!  Hail Satan!

This is a nightmare.

I shouldn't have sold my Xbox 360.  Not because there's anything wrong with my PS3.  No my PS3 is infinitely more powerful and reliable than any 360 on the planet.  

The problem is that, since I've switched systems , I've sat on the bank of another shore for awhile. Now, I want you fine readers to know that I, The ADHDgamer, never waited on that shore waiting for all the Xbox 360 users to convert to PS3.  I just wanted a system that didn't fail every four months, that's all.  When I traded in all my Xbox 360 stuff in exchange for a shiny new Playstation 3, I did so KNOWING that the victors of the seventh generation of console gameing had already been declared, and PS3 was dead last.

I knew all this, faithful readers.  All I wanted was consistency!  I purchased my original Xbox 360 in April of 2006. If you had told me back then, that, Call of Duty 4 would outlast Halo 3 in sales, I would have laughed.  But COD4 fucking dominated Halo 3 after only a few weeks of Halo being at number one.  And as it turned out COD4 was only the beginning!

If you listen closely, you'll hear a faint murmur radiating from the Xbox live Community.  It's people bitching about a game called Mass Effect.  Mass Effect (Microsoft Studios) was a first person sci-fi shooter for the 360 that hit the stores in the fall of 2007.  

The game got ridiculously great reviews, and STILL motherfuckers are bitching.  Why are they bitching if the game is so great?  

Because Microsoft Studios was supposed to release a shitload of DLC for Mass Effect.  This game was supposed to be the flagship title for DLC content and therefore, higher game replay ability.  Microsoft Studios released a couple hours worth of DLC for Mass Effect last spring but that's it.

Why did they stop?

And what does this have to do with my Sony rant?

Well if you haven't figured it out already here's your fucking cookie.  Microsoft realized that change was a comin' to video game land!  They cut corners on production costs to flood the market with millions of little boxes that could communicate and allow users to play with each other all over the country!  There are still major hardware issues with the Xbox 360 but it won't ever matter.  The revenue from week ONE of Halo 3 sales in 2007 was enough to cover all company repair costs to all those RRODed consoles.   Basically everything they're making from this point forward is all bank.  

My problem with Sony is this fucking email they just sent me.

Dear Jeremy, Now you can view your PlayStation® trophies on your "My Profile" page. If you have what it takes to win a trophy or two, now they will be automatically displayed for you. Of course, you have to earn them first. So what are you waiting for? Get to gaming. Sincerely, PlayStation®Network



Jesus Christ.   "Hey Sony?  I don't give two shits about this garbage.  I wasn't even aware that I had a fucking profile page.  You do realise trophies don't matter right?  They're just like achievements for the Xbox 360.  Actually Xbox has had it's achievements vi sable for like two ye......"

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?  DID THE WHOLE COMPANY COLLECTIVELY GET ADD OR SOME SHIT!  AAAAAHH!!



I promise I won't ever use that much upper case text again.

 

Flower (That Game Company) PS3

Game historians will have much to discuss when they look back upon this, the seventh generation of console gaming, however I doubt they will be discussing games like flower ( which is a good thing :p).

In Flower, the player assumes the role of a flower petal, and by aid of the wind is tasked with bringing life and color to the surrounding countryside. Much like in Fl0w, the controls are very primitive with the X button providing a boost of wind and the direction controls used for steering. By blowing the petal from flower to flower, the player gains more flower petals. Eventually once all the flower patches in an area have been activated, the countryside flourishes to life, and the player moves on the next level.

It is the simplness in this game, coupled with the atmospheric graphics and sound that accomploish what so few titles can do : take us to another world via gameplay. That's quite an accomplishment, as there are relativly few titles out there that take us places that we want to go. Flower is like interactive Lexapro for the Call of Duty addict (except Flower won't take away your sex drive). Someone needs to kidnap Jack Thompson, give him a few hits of LSD, and force him to play this game for 72 hours straight.

Rating: A

Yeah and it's called "The Haze/ Home /Socom Confrontation/The PSP/ UMD"

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

Roll With The Punches (Part I of III)

At some point within the last ten years of my life, shit got really fucking complicated. Also, around the time that shit got really fucking complicated, I didn't realize that shit was getting really fucking complicated.

From this point forward, the phrase "shit got really fucking complicated" will be phrased as S.G.R.F.C, for the benefit of the younger reader, who upon reading this text will see said acronym and mistake it for a Gundam. What is a Gundam you ask? Well, let me try to explain...

Long ago, in the magical year of 1984, there was a show called Voltron. Much like the modern show Hanna Montana, Voltron told the tale of several rapscallion homosexuals who, when they become bored with sodomy, began a quest to harass the legions of Satanical alieniod lifeforms living in parallel dimensions and bathhouses.

Eventually the cyclopian warlords would land on earth and "start fucking shit up like shit had never been fucked ever before" (S.F.S.U.L.S.H.N.B.F.U.B) . Since in the future, all mankind must masterbate with sock puppets several times a day in order to maintain body heat, all of humanity's force's were on RedTube, and thus ill prepared to fend off a legion of demonic warlords, each on the size of a single Disney Store.

So the rapscallion homosexuals donned expensive suits of latex which offered no protection, as well as giant helmets {which, coincidentally made peripheral vision as natural a task as shoving shot glasses full of bison steak sauce up the bleached assholes of 1,000 vegans ). And each one piloted a mechanical lion (all of which really just look like a metal guinea pigs with cerebral palsy and fangs) who would prance all over and nut-knock the enemy like gay fleas with an attention disorder . Then five minutes before the show was about to end, all the mechanized lions who had not been scissor kicked into a black hole would form into the mighty robot Voltron, who wielded a giant electrical sword. Voltron also had many secondary weapons, such as being able to shoot missiles from the lions mouths, beating Christ in checkers, and aggressive end stage tuberculosis. Each show Voltron would use these weapons to "fuck shit up"( F.S.U. )and then sing to a live studio audience about the pains associated with growing up as a teenage girl who's father was a celebrated, yet one hit wonder, country superstar.

to be continued.....