Scranton is full of racist fudgepackers

So a bunch of comics (myself included) did a comedy show in Scranton two nights ago. BFF and hetro-lifemate Glen Tickle was also there, as he was the host. He has already finished his breath taking survivors account of what happened, and you can find it here. Read that if you want to know what happened in chronological fashion. Continue reading this if you want to know WHY we felt like we were in danger and WHAT a racist dude called a black guy (and can't figure it out).

It all went down at a bar inside a Day's Inn, a bar named "Clamdiggers", so it's not like I was expecting the fucking Borgada in the first place. You name your bar Clamdiggers when you meet any one of the following two conditions:

1) You are a coastal business, known for your fresh seafood.
OR
2) Dyke Watering Bungalow is already being used by the in-hotel bar at the Best Western.

I drove an hour from Pottstown, to meet another comic in Lehighton, who then drove me another hour to get us to a bar named fucking "Clamdiggers"; a seafood themed, redneck spawn point located inside a hotel which looked like it had been architecturally inspired by every ski movie from the 1980s.

You know that dive bar on your way to work or whatever, the one you pass all the time but are too scared to go in because it looks too shady to be JUST a bar? The one that actually makes you think "Holy fuck that place looks like it might be a front for a nest of pure evil"?

Duuuude....WTF. 

Clamdiggers is one of those bars. I wasn't aware that a coven of racist hillbillies could exist inside the bar of a family hotel. I mean how often does a hotel just let part building get infested with an entire cult of assholes? There were certainly moments leading up to the show when we were all thinking "There are two audience members, the microphone doesn't work and apparently no one but us gives a shit. I would leave if I hadn't just arrived because it's taken a fortnight to get to Scranton." But shit happens....the show must go on...never let the bastards grind you down...it's all about being professional....ect.

Take it from this guy; sometimes things fuckin' suck but you gotta do it live anyway.

I sometimes wish the other comedians would let me sit at the big kids table and let me do more than ten fucking minutes and open at every fucking show. Lately though,  I've just been trying to remind myself that I didn't have to be invited by anyone, and that I should be grateful that anyone I know thought I was worthy enough to do a show with them. I ended up being glad that I only had to do a ten minute set however, because I could barely finish it. I don't know if Glen and Tyler experienced this when they got up there, but as soon as I grabbed the mic I realized what was really going on.

All the cool comics. Obviously I am not in the picture.

Now I should let you know, in case you haven't had the pleasure of seeing my performance, that I thrive off of chaos. I love hecklers, I think they're just great. Anyone dumb enough to show up at a comedy event and think you can get one off on me, bring it. None of my jokes are anywhere near as good as the reaction I get from the audience when I feast upon your soul in front of your wife and spawn. Some comedians would consider this unprofessional, but the reality is that I have no choice. I need to eat souls to survive. The thing about the heckling trick is that each time you do it you risk a certain amount of backlash coming back at you from the targeted audience member. It could be verbal or, in rare cases physical, and almost never will the entire audience side with a dickhead who got what he deserved.

NOMNOMNOMNOM!

But there was no desire to make that foray into the unknown realm of audience bashing at Clamdiggers. My entire set was basically me just choking on the raw awkwardness secreted into the air by an several middle aged white men who looked as though they all had just lost their favorite kitten five minutes ago. Bandannas, cut off t-shirts, and mushtacios were the only things sitting in the seats. There was flannel FUCKING EVERYWHERE, and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the Old Navy commercials that say it's cool to wear flannel again. Every person upon entering the bar would glance at what was going on onstage for maybe a second, and then go right to the bar and face the wall, or go into some back room somewhere. The fact that we were doing a comedy show at their bar seemed to be the main problem...but there was more too it than that. I am not being dishonest in any way when I say that almost every patron at that place shot us looks of contempt and vilification the entire evening. It was almost as if we had intruded upon their time, and they were just waiting for us all to leave to they could put their robes and squid masks back on.

Well played old man, well played.

And then some white guy called the headliner, who was black,  the "N" word. The although this wasn't enough to derail the guy's set (because the entire show was a trainwreck),  I never realized how terrifying racism is when it's right in front of you until that moment. It's like when you were in high school and there was always that one kid who would flip off the algebra teacher and call her a bitch. Remember that feeling you got back then, the one that you would never have again after you graduated? The feeling of "Holy shit, THAT KID BREAKS THE RULES EVERY DAY! It's so exciting, yet so terrifying! He's like the Terminator of rule breaking! He has no fear of the principles office whatsoever. Threats of detention do nothing. He's fucking unstoppable!"

He's such a rebel. 

This is what it feels like to be a white guy, hearing another white guy call a black dude the "N" word for reasons other than comradery;it is kinda like being next to the kid in class who did all the things society told us we couldn't do or say. The difference is that in this situation, he's not fifteen, he's not cool, and he's being god-damned racist. I don't think I got paid for doing comedy, I think that they were either paying us to leave or I got money from my grandmother and the card got sent to Clamdiggers for some reason. The looks I got from some of the patrons towards the back of the bar as I left were so unnerving that I was only able to regain my faith in humanity by playing a game of Street Fighter II in the hotel lobby. START THE FUCKING CAR.

The dealership told me this is just how it starts up.

MineCraft Halloween Update released; Trillions lose jobs

I don't like using cultural phrases unless the situation readily permits it, but the MineCraft Halloween update is LITERALLY ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS.

So like um, now you can build a portal to hell, and shit. Also you can fish. Fuckin' win-win right there people. Fishing and going to hell; WHERE'S THE CTHULU AD-TIE IN FOR THAT GEM?! The update adds new content and enemies, as well as several bug fixes that make MineCraft even more rad.

Chris Avellone explains New Vegas's bugs, talks like hippe

According to Chris Avellone, Senior Designer for Obsidian Games, the Mojave Wasteland is so big it's trippy, and that trippiness causes bugs.


In an interview with ComputerAndVideoGames.com, Avellone ranted like a dirty hippie: "It's kind of like the bugs of the real world - the sheer expanse of what you're dealing with causes problems. Everything's copastetic, now if you'll excuse me, I have a hacky-sac to play with. Peace bro."  Avellone made no mention about how the Gamebryo engine made things worse, a smart move considering Bethesda keeps coming back to it like a crack addled whore. 


He did however point out that even the team of 300 testers used to bug test the game couldn't spot the all the bugs, a statement that is made true only when you realize that there are so many game braking bugs, that NO ONE TESTED THE GAME AND HE'S LYING.

Fallout New Vegas is broken masterpiece

So here's my review for the new Fallout game. It's almost perfect, however that "almost" is a real kick to the bojangles.

There are numerous bugs that will cause the console to freeze, but the big problem is the combat system. Holy fuck is it broken. Broken like nothing I've ever seen before. Basically anytime you get in a fight the controls lock up completely except for the analog sticks. You can't aim, you can't shoot, you can't even get into your Pipboy. So if you want to utilize the new aiming down the sights system, or shoot an enemy, or use the hotkeys to switch weapons, or reload, or do anything like that during a fight, you often can't. While this is all happening and the enemy AI are shredding your ass apart with gunfire (because you can't kill them), you may want to duck into the Pipboy screen and get some health.....but you can't do that either.

Basically, it's completely broken.

I should mention that when they fix this issue, the rest of the game is a masterpiece. I personally like it allot better than even Fallout 3. And I will talk about those things, when they release a patch to make this game playable.

Borderlands: Claptrap's New Robot Revolution (DLC4)

A confusing, sub-par experience.

Last October I was at a bar hitting on a fat girl, when one of my friends called me up to tell me about this new game called Borderlands:
"Yeah it's kinda like Fallout, but WAY fucking better. It's like Road Warrior meets Diablo, and it's got a huge multi-player element. You gotta get it like right now."
I had heard of the game mentioned at an E3 about a year earlier, but kinda forgot about it until my friend called me. Trusting his geek advice, I went out and bought the game.
I was not disappointed. Many, many, many hours of my life have been spent playing borderlands since that phone call. It is a true gamer's game; it's an RPG, FPS, and MMO with all the looting, leveling, and pop-cultural references you can shake a stick at. 


Also it had a little robot named Clap-Trap. And Goddamn do I love me some Clap-Trap. 


CL4P-TP, otherwise known as "Clap-Trap" is a little waste-can shaped robot with a nervous sense of humor who helps the player throughout the journey to the Vault through the first AND second play through ( You heard me right, there's second play through; I told you it was awesome didn't I?).
Over the past year Gearbox software released three outstanding expansion packs for Borderlands. And then they announced a final DLC in the summer, Clap-Trap's New Robot Revolution. More Clap-Trap. Fucking awesome.
Except it's not fucking awesome. It stinks.
While I was waiting for the new DLC to come out, I read a review of the game that bummed me out pretty bad. Among numerous complaints the game has been heavily criticized for essentially being a bunch of old missions with a new "Clap-Trap" finish, and for completely re-writing the some classic NPCs so that they have awkward new personalities. As I said, this really bummed me out, but I got the game anyway, hoping that these shitty reviews were the incoherent ramblings of fanboys.
So here's what I think. First the good news. While it's true that many of the missions are essentially re-hashed tasks you had to complete in the original Borderlands game and subsequent DLCs, I don't think you can really knock a game for being good at what it does best. The plot line is different, and the new missions aren't so noticeably similar to old ones to detract enjoyability of the game. Second, if you love Clap-trap, there's a whole lot more of him to love in DLC4.
Now for the bad. Unlike the first three add-ons DLC4 was outsourced to Darkside Games, presumably because Gearbox is hard at work on the next Borderlands game. I don't really mind when games are outsourced as long as the result still holds credibility to the original. DLC4 doesn't, and it's almost as though the developers at Darkside weren't original Borderlands fans. 
Part of what made the original game so great were the NPCs. There was some great writing that went into the creation of these characters, they seemed to have subtle personality traits that made them timeless and endearing. By harsh contrast, the same characters now seem to have just one overwhelming personality characteristic. Patricia Tannis, the archaeologist from the original Borderlands plot, was always slightly off her rocker, but now she's some sort of evil mad scientist. It just doesn't feel right. Marcus, the Mexican arms dealer, seems to have been voiced by a completely different actor this time around. Knoxx and Steele make a reappearance, but they seem like cheapened versions of what they used to be.
Another aspect of the new DLC that I found particularly jarring is the landscape. Not even the landscape really, just the background of areas you can't get to. In Borderlands, staring out into the distance invoked a sense of awe and beauty; the world looked vast and untamed. But in DLC4 it looks like shit. Literally, some of the backgrounds look like they were never completed. There are outcrops that aren't even the same color as the rest of the landscape and some that are just blocky. I once looked over a cliff into a vast gorge to see a river not flowing around a bunch of triangles. WTF.
But the most disappointing part of DLC4 is the gameplay itself. For one thing, Gearbox hasn't released the new software patch allowing over-leveling to level 69. You can still play the game, but if you're a level 61 character, it's a shitty experience because the enemies are either too tough in play through two, or too weak in play through one. Since you can't yet level to match the enemies level, you're either plowing through the first play through without dying or gaining experience on play through one (which sucks) or you can't get anywhere on play through two because your level 61 character can't even get the shield down on a level 63 enemy (which fucking blows). The only real option you have is to use a character that's around level 30 for the first play through, and not even touch the second play through until they release the new patch. WTF.
I can't believe I'm still listing the bad shit, but here goes. Randy Pitchford, Gearbox's CEO, described DLC4 as a game world where you could refight all the game's classic enemies as hacked clap-traps, but that's not what happens. The only clap-trap versions of enemies you will find are bandits, Hyperion soldiers (who, by the way, are no-where near as awesome as The Lance), skags, rakkKnoxx and Steel twice, and to make matter worse as you're fighting these bosses, they have CARDBOARD CUTOUTS OF ALL THE OTHER CLASSIC BOSSES LITTERED AROUND THE LEVELS. 


WTF??!!


I really wanted to love DLC4, but I can't. It's so sub-par and confusing that it shouldn't have the Borderlands name attached to it. The only redeeming qualities are all the Clap-Traps. Maybe I will hate it less when they release the new level patch, but by then I'll be playing Fallout: New Vegas.


Score: 5 out of 10. Only buy if you really can't get enough Clap-Trap in your life.

Greg Giraldo (December 10, 1965 — September 29, 2010)

Greg Giraldo is one of the reasons I really started doing comedy in the first place. I thought if a lawyer can just stop being a lawyer and become a professional comedian, then I could do something similar. I figured I might not ever become famous ( so far this is accurate ), but if I could do something I loved and had always wanted to do and turn it into a career it would be worth it.

Giraldo was also one of the only comedians I know who was very public about how much he hated himself. He brooded over his mistakes until it drove him insane. He admitted that while doing comedy made him feel better, the best way to escape the pain was via drugs. I know the feeling, and as cheesy as it sounds to say it, Greg Giraldo has saved my life on several occasions. There have been times when I've been pretty fucked up and thought "What would Greg Giraldo do? Would he give up right now? Or would he do what had to be done, and then deal with the pain later?"


This is a shitty article. I'm sorry Greg, you deserved a better article man. Rest in peace dude.

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