Raw

Tonight was the first time I've done comedy in three months, because three months ago I nearly killed everyone in the front row for being the kind of cunts who pay money to go see comedy and don't laugh. But I don't even know if it was about that. It was partly because they weren't laughing at my jokes, and even though they were good ones I was tired of those jokes myself. Moreover, I was tired with what I had seen as a comedian; your friends become your competition, you constantly feel like you need to be working on something new, you get jealous of the people around you, and your failures always seem to outweigh your achievements. The comedy business is a ruthless bitch no matter what angle you look at it from. It is by far the hardest job I've ever done, just to bomb in front of drunks and people who expect too much.

I hated myself as a comic. I hate myself in general, but that's something I'm learning to live with the help of prescription anxiety medication and therapy (and alcohol and psychedelics). But I could never live with myself if I hated my comedy. And so I quit until I felt I could start again. So I did a show tonight, and it went allright. I wrote most of the jokes about 12 seconds before I went up, and improvised from there. It was all very personal material and very graphic, but I threw out the joke formulas on this one, and just talked about what mattered to me, as opposed to shit I thought mattered to other people.

And it worked. I'm listening to the audio now, and it's hard to tell what the fuck is working or not in a room full of drunks, but it sounds ok. It also sounds very real. Very, very real. And it felt that way too. It wasn't a killer set, but it was the most personal conversation I've had with a group of strangers that got laughs, ever. I'm really speaking from the heart the whole time I'm up there. AND I'M HOOKED. 

Album Review: Bigger & Blackerer, David Cross

When this album first came out I only listened to the first couple tracks because they turned me off and I didn't have allot of time to listen to the whole album. Yesterday while I sat in traffic I decided to listen to the whole album. Because I love David Cross. LOVE HIM. The first time I heard him way back in 2002 I thought he was the reincarnation of Hicks. So excitedly, I put the CD in.

I wish I had not. Because if I had not done so, David Cross would still be a God to me.


Bigger & Blacker is, without a shadow of doubt, the worst comedy album I have ever heard. Ever. The jokes aren't funny. He actually re-uses jokes from other albums.  I don't know how to describe it, but David Cross has gone from being an edgy, political-social commentator, to straight up hack humorist.

@ This is an hour long album, but the first five minutes are of him singing. So if you buy the album or    download it or whatever, just skip that entire track.

@The next five tracks deal with Whole Foods, date rape, black people, and drugs. There is one joke in the track "black stuff" that is actually really funny; I'm telling you this because you'll want to cling onto this moment for dear life, because that's the last time you will laugh while listening to this piece of dog shit.

@The next three tracks, are about Republicans, health care, Orthodox Jews, and Scientology, and they are the most heartbreaking segments of the entire album. Cross has lost all his edginess and wit and replaced it with soggy impersonations and ridiculous scenarios. The joke about Scientology is so bad that I think the audience was confused about what the punch-line was supposed to be and just started clapping. It's so fucked up.

@Whereas the first portion is boring, and the middle is depressing, the final sixteen minutes of Bigger & Blackerer are FUCKING ENGRAGING. Some of the bits don't even sound like jokes, they sound like bits you would hear at a dead-open mike that becomes a comedy workshop.  There are a couple jokes that don't have anything about them that would even make them jokes, they're just obviously there as filler.


Then he tells a joke that he used on his last album....ffffffffuuuuuuuu.......


Now as a comedian myself, I understand it how long it takes to develop new material, and I understand that Cross has been involved in tons of shit other than stand-up since It's Not Funny was released. But it's been six fucking years, and it's not like he's been dead on the alt comedy scene since then, but that's what this album feels like, it feels like a guy who needed to fill a 60 minute gig with jokes, so he used a TON of shit that he hasn't really tested out yet, and then when he ran out of those bits, he threw in a bit that he used on his last album. That's complete bullshit. That's like a band releasing an album with old songs on it, only it's not a 'best of' album, it's a new album with old songs.

Soon after this bit, the album ends, and if you're anything like me, you will take out the CD and toss it into the Schuylkill which is where it belongs. David Cross: you are dead to me.

Google loves ADHDgamer blog!

I love you Google and even though you have failed me on so many occasions, my devotion to you never falters. You never got back to me regarding my application to develop android software. You put your name on the Droid Eris and I bought one because I love you, only to realize that it can't run anything above Eclair 2.1 and it has a max battery life of six minutes. Yet still I stay. Then I submitted an application to test drive the CR-48, and in that application I poured out my feelings of love and devotion to all things You. And you denied me then as well.

But Google...oh Google. Just look at you. I love you still Google.

And now the internets have given back; Google has given me an AdWords giftcard worth  $100! I can use it to buy advertising on the right hand side of Google searches! I would like to thank you Google, inventor of awesome shit that makes life easier, for this gracious bounty, which I accept wholeheartedly. And while I do wish that, like most gift-cards I've received this year, I could use the money on it for other things that would benefit both this blog and it's owner(an iPad Clam Case, money for the electric bill, socks, a Google tattoo) I am happy that you, oh God of the internets, have found me worthy enough to give me anything at all.

PRAISE BE TO GOOGLE!

Scranton is full of racist fudgepackers

So a bunch of comics (myself included) did a comedy show in Scranton two nights ago. BFF and hetro-lifemate Glen Tickle was also there, as he was the host. He has already finished his breath taking survivors account of what happened, and you can find it here. Read that if you want to know what happened in chronological fashion. Continue reading this if you want to know WHY we felt like we were in danger and WHAT a racist dude called a black guy (and can't figure it out).

It all went down at a bar inside a Day's Inn, a bar named "Clamdiggers", so it's not like I was expecting the fucking Borgada in the first place. You name your bar Clamdiggers when you meet any one of the following two conditions:

1) You are a coastal business, known for your fresh seafood.
OR
2) Dyke Watering Bungalow is already being used by the in-hotel bar at the Best Western.

I drove an hour from Pottstown, to meet another comic in Lehighton, who then drove me another hour to get us to a bar named fucking "Clamdiggers"; a seafood themed, redneck spawn point located inside a hotel which looked like it had been architecturally inspired by every ski movie from the 1980s.

You know that dive bar on your way to work or whatever, the one you pass all the time but are too scared to go in because it looks too shady to be JUST a bar? The one that actually makes you think "Holy fuck that place looks like it might be a front for a nest of pure evil"?

Duuuude....WTF. 

Clamdiggers is one of those bars. I wasn't aware that a coven of racist hillbillies could exist inside the bar of a family hotel. I mean how often does a hotel just let part building get infested with an entire cult of assholes? There were certainly moments leading up to the show when we were all thinking "There are two audience members, the microphone doesn't work and apparently no one but us gives a shit. I would leave if I hadn't just arrived because it's taken a fortnight to get to Scranton." But shit happens....the show must go on...never let the bastards grind you down...it's all about being professional....ect.

Take it from this guy; sometimes things fuckin' suck but you gotta do it live anyway.

I sometimes wish the other comedians would let me sit at the big kids table and let me do more than ten fucking minutes and open at every fucking show. Lately though,  I've just been trying to remind myself that I didn't have to be invited by anyone, and that I should be grateful that anyone I know thought I was worthy enough to do a show with them. I ended up being glad that I only had to do a ten minute set however, because I could barely finish it. I don't know if Glen and Tyler experienced this when they got up there, but as soon as I grabbed the mic I realized what was really going on.

All the cool comics. Obviously I am not in the picture.

Now I should let you know, in case you haven't had the pleasure of seeing my performance, that I thrive off of chaos. I love hecklers, I think they're just great. Anyone dumb enough to show up at a comedy event and think you can get one off on me, bring it. None of my jokes are anywhere near as good as the reaction I get from the audience when I feast upon your soul in front of your wife and spawn. Some comedians would consider this unprofessional, but the reality is that I have no choice. I need to eat souls to survive. The thing about the heckling trick is that each time you do it you risk a certain amount of backlash coming back at you from the targeted audience member. It could be verbal or, in rare cases physical, and almost never will the entire audience side with a dickhead who got what he deserved.

NOMNOMNOMNOM!

But there was no desire to make that foray into the unknown realm of audience bashing at Clamdiggers. My entire set was basically me just choking on the raw awkwardness secreted into the air by an several middle aged white men who looked as though they all had just lost their favorite kitten five minutes ago. Bandannas, cut off t-shirts, and mushtacios were the only things sitting in the seats. There was flannel FUCKING EVERYWHERE, and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the Old Navy commercials that say it's cool to wear flannel again. Every person upon entering the bar would glance at what was going on onstage for maybe a second, and then go right to the bar and face the wall, or go into some back room somewhere. The fact that we were doing a comedy show at their bar seemed to be the main problem...but there was more too it than that. I am not being dishonest in any way when I say that almost every patron at that place shot us looks of contempt and vilification the entire evening. It was almost as if we had intruded upon their time, and they were just waiting for us all to leave to they could put their robes and squid masks back on.

Well played old man, well played.

And then some white guy called the headliner, who was black,  the "N" word. The although this wasn't enough to derail the guy's set (because the entire show was a trainwreck),  I never realized how terrifying racism is when it's right in front of you until that moment. It's like when you were in high school and there was always that one kid who would flip off the algebra teacher and call her a bitch. Remember that feeling you got back then, the one that you would never have again after you graduated? The feeling of "Holy shit, THAT KID BREAKS THE RULES EVERY DAY! It's so exciting, yet so terrifying! He's like the Terminator of rule breaking! He has no fear of the principles office whatsoever. Threats of detention do nothing. He's fucking unstoppable!"

He's such a rebel. 

This is what it feels like to be a white guy, hearing another white guy call a black dude the "N" word for reasons other than comradery;it is kinda like being next to the kid in class who did all the things society told us we couldn't do or say. The difference is that in this situation, he's not fifteen, he's not cool, and he's being god-damned racist. I don't think I got paid for doing comedy, I think that they were either paying us to leave or I got money from my grandmother and the card got sent to Clamdiggers for some reason. The looks I got from some of the patrons towards the back of the bar as I left were so unnerving that I was only able to regain my faith in humanity by playing a game of Street Fighter II in the hotel lobby. START THE FUCKING CAR.

The dealership told me this is just how it starts up.

MineCraft Halloween Update released; Trillions lose jobs

I don't like using cultural phrases unless the situation readily permits it, but the MineCraft Halloween update is LITERALLY ALL THAT AND A BAG OF CHIPS.

So like um, now you can build a portal to hell, and shit. Also you can fish. Fuckin' win-win right there people. Fishing and going to hell; WHERE'S THE CTHULU AD-TIE IN FOR THAT GEM?! The update adds new content and enemies, as well as several bug fixes that make MineCraft even more rad.

Chris Avellone explains New Vegas's bugs, talks like hippe

According to Chris Avellone, Senior Designer for Obsidian Games, the Mojave Wasteland is so big it's trippy, and that trippiness causes bugs.


In an interview with ComputerAndVideoGames.com, Avellone ranted like a dirty hippie: "It's kind of like the bugs of the real world - the sheer expanse of what you're dealing with causes problems. Everything's copastetic, now if you'll excuse me, I have a hacky-sac to play with. Peace bro."  Avellone made no mention about how the Gamebryo engine made things worse, a smart move considering Bethesda keeps coming back to it like a crack addled whore. 


He did however point out that even the team of 300 testers used to bug test the game couldn't spot the all the bugs, a statement that is made true only when you realize that there are so many game braking bugs, that NO ONE TESTED THE GAME AND HE'S LYING.

Fallout New Vegas is broken masterpiece

So here's my review for the new Fallout game. It's almost perfect, however that "almost" is a real kick to the bojangles.

There are numerous bugs that will cause the console to freeze, but the big problem is the combat system. Holy fuck is it broken. Broken like nothing I've ever seen before. Basically anytime you get in a fight the controls lock up completely except for the analog sticks. You can't aim, you can't shoot, you can't even get into your Pipboy. So if you want to utilize the new aiming down the sights system, or shoot an enemy, or use the hotkeys to switch weapons, or reload, or do anything like that during a fight, you often can't. While this is all happening and the enemy AI are shredding your ass apart with gunfire (because you can't kill them), you may want to duck into the Pipboy screen and get some health.....but you can't do that either.

Basically, it's completely broken.

I should mention that when they fix this issue, the rest of the game is a masterpiece. I personally like it allot better than even Fallout 3. And I will talk about those things, when they release a patch to make this game playable.