Stand-Up Comedian in Pottstown

Monday, March 12, 2012

Mass Effect 3: CollWHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN PLAYING FOR ANYMORE

I don't have the strength to sum up my OVERWHELMING DISAPPOINTMENT WITH THIS GAME so I'll just let this picture sum up how I feel about the whole thing.


Womp, womp.

First off, you're gonna need to have bought either the N7 Collector's Edition or all the FIRST DAY DLC to take in the entire narrative experience of ME3, which is bullshit. It's not like the DLC just includes some extra characters that don't add on to the story line. No, it contains MAJOR CHARACTERS who are critical to the TRILOGY ITSELF. Also if you liked all the awesome shit you could do with the Normandy SR2 in ME2, DON'T GET ME3. Bioware literally took away all that shit. And if you got the game on PS3 (like I did), kill yourself. The offline lag makes the whole game feel very unpolished and the online lag has left the multiplayer straight-up broken. 

There is allot of good in this game, the problem is that all the glaring holes kinda distract you from the overall great experience it should be. So when I can get through my second round of playing this thing, without having to fight the urge to just pop in ME2 instead, I'll give it a proper review. But until then I can't even recommend die hard fans of the trilogy buy this game. Bioware has much to answer for.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Game Review: Superbrother's Sword & Sworcery EP

HOLY FUCKING AWESOME


Perhaps I should start over.


I got an iPad for basically one reason; I saw it as a future platform for indie game developers. There are certainly more indie games available for the PC and to a lesser degree, the three major console systems, but the first trailor I saw for this game, I knew I needed to get an iDevice. The iPad was really just a convieniant newcomer that didn't require me to upgrade my phone.


It was almost a year ago that I saw the artwork for the game that would become Sword & Sworcery, and again, I felt that need in the pit of my stomach. There was just so much awesome. A dude, clad with sword and shield...PIXELISED??!! Fuck yes!


Month after month after fucking month I waited for this game to be released. It was originally slated for a January release, but developer Superbrothers pushed the game back until spring because, as they put it, "we got a wave of inspiration and decided to add more awesome".


And now spring is upon us. It may be 39 degrees outside, my balls may be ice cubes, but I have this game to play! And boy, what a fucking game it is. There's nothing else like it out there. And while it's much more  of the adventure/puzzle genre than I expected (which was RPG, God I love my RPGs), it's still the best game I've ever played in my life.


You heard me right. The best game I've EVER played.


That's a bold statement, considering I've forced my girlfriend to accept that fact that our first child WILL be named The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind, Ultima VI, Onorato. But Sword & Sworcery is that good. It's fucking brilliant. It reminds me of games like Loom, and Out of this World (or Another World, if you live in Europe). It's entirely pixelated, but it's gorgeous nonetheless. The music is incredible. It's all done by Jim Guthrie and it sounds like 1970's Doctor who music mixed with chiptunes and folk-rock.



The game is rather short, but it makes up for it by being a mixture of clever and impossible. It took me fifteen minutes just to figure out how to get from the main menu to the actual gameplay, because everything in this game is a puzzle. Like Out of This World, Sword & Sworcery does not give a fuck if you find the gameplay too hard. It does not give a fuck if you're confused. And it does not give a fuck if you're lost. There are only a couple boss battles, but they are so brutal and unforgiving, that until you figure out the pattern you're supposed to follow, you will cry out in pain. 


But it's worth it. And right up until the very end you're reminded why. Everything in this game is an experience you just can't get anywhere else. Sword & Sworcery makes full use of the iPad's touch, HDMI, accelerometer, and internet capabilities. According to the mysterious "Archtype" character, the game's outcome is effected by your participation in the social experiment. Almost everything you do or see, or have a conversation with can be tweeted.



This game is a must have. I don't have a rating system, but I'm officially creating one for this game. Sword & Sworcery gets five out of five Deloreans. 



Wednesday, March 23, 2011

3.20.2011 @ Bethlehem Brew Works

I did well considering that the MC accidentally gave me the light too early on.




As I've mentioned in a previous post, I'm not writing my bits the way you're "supposed" to write them anymore. I'm still writing to get laughs, but I'm also just trying to find my "voice". I'm beginning to sense that, when you have that voice it probably is already speaking before you even pick up a pen. But right now I find that the formulaic approach you're supposed write with requires so much attention and that for me it becomes too difficult to notice anything else.  So I'm going off the beaten path and heading for the brush to find myself. The only focus I have when writing now is that it be personal and important to me, even though you need to make the jokes something that the audience can relate to. The result is that my time on stage is a very, very, very graphic window into my personal life. One of the greatest things I'm learning to do now is not care about bombing. I'm also taking a nod from Louis C.K. and trying as best I can to never do the same jokes twice. At least for now. 

This video was shot by my dear friend and contemporary, comedian Glen Tickle. One thing to note is that the MC gave me the one minute remaining light about 2m and 30secs into my five minute set. That really screwed my flow up, and it definitely screwed with my composure and meant that I wasn't able to try out two other jokes.  But I think it all went well, even considering. As usual, the crowd at Brew Works were there to hear jokes, but not respond to them, but I think I held my own against them tonight and I was happy with the reaction I got.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Hawken Trailer


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Game Review: Hero of Sparta 2 HD

It's common gamer knowlege that while good games don't necessarily spawn generic clones, blockbuster ones always do. In the past few years the gaming market has been wrought with countless God of War style games. Some of those games have been great, and some of those games have fallen short of their mark. And while all of these games feature the same basic combat system which is so iconic to GOW, they nearly all have a seperate identies thanks to their different storylines and environments.

I say "nearly" because one of these clones is not like the others. It is produced by Gameloft, a developer notorious for making game clones of EVERYTHING. Hero of Sparta is so generic, it's unbelievable. The title sounds like GOW. The setting is the same as GOW: unstoppable badass Spartan general defies the Gods at every turn. The weapons are the same. The enmies are the same. It's incredible to me that Gameloft got away with what they did, which is essentially God of War with terrible graphics.

Despite this, and despite non-repurposed everything about it's design, Hero of Sparta is great fun because it never takes itself too seriously. And so when it spawned a sequal, Hero of Sparta 2 HD (saying that name aloud feels like chunks of wet clay are falling out of my mouth), I was a little excited for better graphics and new gameplay.

Unfortunatly, the graphics in this game are ATROCIOUS. The voice acting is terrible, and that would be one thing, but since the character models don't have animated faces, they don't open their mouths during the dialogue. So whenever there's a conversation everybody just kinda bobs their heads around and waves their arms and you have to match it up with a horrible voice over. The gods are animated just like everything else and look ridiculous, except they're huge and occasionaly cause the graphics to take a shit all over the screen. Let me just say this right now; THERE IS NO COLLISION DETECTION SYSTEM IN THIS GAME. You are just as likely to go through an enemy's torso as is your sword. And the tutorial popups are a nightmare. There's no way to turn them off, and they won't go away by just tapping the screen. I actually don't know how you make them go away but I think that you have to perform whatever it is each tutorial is explaining how to do. This is fucking unbelivably retarded and frustrating thanks to the fact that the control response is as fast as a funeral march. Normally that flaw dosen't matter since it's a hack and slash, but when a game stops and asks you to perform exactly what it wants before letting you take control again, PRECISION COUNTS MOTHERFUCKER.

What really pisses me off at this point is how Gameloft marketed this game. First off, high definition is WHOLE different animal than graphics. And while this game is in HD, the graphics are still shit. And if you like your shitty graphics bright and well defined, then that's fine. But I don't see why Gameloft couldn't have stepped it up with the graphics. Certainly one of the best things about the iPhone 4 iPad is that they both can run some pretty impressive graphics, why market something as HD if you don't even try to make it actually look better? But this is Gameloft we're talking about here, so I'll move on.

All that aside, Hero of Sparta 2 HD is still an addictive and fun game. All the addictive gameplay that was there in the first game is here now. And just like before, the fact that this game can be played so well makes the graphical flaws seem less of a problem. It's like every Guitar Hero game ever made in the sense that the fun of the game is independant of the visuals.

If you liked the first one, you'll like the second one as much, if not more. Just don't be fooled by the "HD" in the name, because the net result isn't that impressive. If you've never played a God of War title, I recommened you do so before playing this one otherwise you problably won't be able to look past the stupid and enjoy the fun that is there to be had.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad, cuz I'm a douche


Friday, March 11, 2011

Game Review: Fable III



Microsoft Studios made the bold decision to declare that Fable III would "feature improvements such as eliminating the RPG system". What that translated into was that there is no more true RPG leveling up system, wherein you aquired XP from fallen enemies and used it to improve either your Skill, Magic, or Melee Combat attributes. What happens now is, you kill stuff, and you still collect orbs, but the orbs are only one color, and they all collect into a bank that represents your renown within the kingdom. This renown bank is also filled with XP you get from commiting good or evil deeds, as well as quests. Every so often when you gain enough renown, you are teleported to a location where you can open up various chests. Each chest requires a different amount of XP to open, and when you open it, you loose that much XP. Some chests unlock new spells and improvements to overall spell power, as well as melee power, and ranged power, up to a level of five. Other chests contain expression packs, dye packs, and oportunies to become profiecent in landownership and craft making. The downside to all this is that you can't really focus your combat skills in one particular area. Using, say magic, over firearms or swords in combat won't do anything to make you a more powerful magic user. This really waters out the whole RPG feel of the game.

According to Wikipedia some players were experiencing game breaking bugs, and that to date, Lion Head Studios haven't released a patch that fixed any of them. While I found no bugs that broke the game in any way during three play throughs, there are some bugs that are just irritating as hell. One of them is the teleportation system. The other, is the glowing trail you are supposed to follow on quests. Now that last one is broken, half the time it doesn't work, but still it's far from game breaking.

The end of the game is so lackluster I wanted to scream. And everything leading up to it feels so Microsoft it's borderline copyright infringement: Champion encounters a hive-mind species bent on eradicating all life as we know it. Champion then battles hive-mind species. Hive-mind species looses. Halo anyone?

One of my biggest gripes in the game are the weapons. You start the game with four basic weapons (rifle, pistol, hammer, sword) which were apparently left to you by the previous Hero, and will mutate according to how you use them. That's neat, but the problem is that these weapons become obsolete very quickly on. They do become more powerful, but only if you unlock chests based on the skill they require, and even then you will find weapons far more powerful even early on in the game. The net result is that the weapons will look fucking awesome eventually, but you'll do little more than stare at them, favoring the high power weapons you find and buy.

Like Fable II, Fable III has Xbox Live features, but I'll never get to use them as I have no longer have a high speed internet connection. And there are allot of features in this game that require you to be online. For instance, there are apparently a shit load of different weapons in the game, but offline you can only access a handful of them. You need to trade with other players to get the rest. All weapons (except the Heroic ones) can be powered up by fulfilling certain requirements, but many requirements are fucking stupid. I shouldn't have to be online and gift 20 Xbox live players just so a weapon becomes more powerful.

Now for the good shit. The combat system is FUCKING RIGHTEOUS. It's such an improvement over Fable II's system that it's hard to stress how great it is, considering how much an improvement Fable II's combat system was over the original Fable. Everything is better. Targeting in Fable II was, to quote Jimmy Hendrix, "a frustrating mess". But in Fable III, because you unlock everything in chests, means that you can almost right off the bat utilize better combat tequniques. Enemies don't have a glow surrounding them when they are targeted. In the third person mode, you just shoot your gun or spell, and the system just always seems to know where you wanted to fire. It's flawless. When you want to zoom in with a gun, you just hold down the left trigger and you go right into over the sholder mode, but now you can use the thumbstick to maneuver the sight over anything you want to fire at.

The magic system is brilliant. Fable III makes use of Gauntlets, gloves that the character wears to cast spells. At the beginning of the game, you just have one Gauntlet, but towards the middle you unlock Spell Weaving, enabling you to wear a gantlets on each hand, and further to combine spells. The result is mind blowing. You can cast swords made of fire, ice, and electricity, or create tornadoes of fire ect. It's just suburb. It's a shame that they did a way with some of the old spells from the first two games, but still, the magic system is awesome.

Fable III also does away with the health bar. Now as the player takes on damage, both sides of the screen become increasingly more red until the player is knocked out. You can still use potions and food during combat to avoid this, although there is now only one type of health potion and a few types of food. Also, you cannot carry more than one type of food with you, and there are only a few types of food now as opposed to the hundereds of varieties in Fable II. The Slow Time, and Raise Dead spells have been replaced with potions which do more or less the same things. The only real problem with all of this is that the game is much, much easier. Unless you are focusing on just melee combat, it's possible with enough potions to get through the entire game without ever getting knocked out.

The overall graphics and animations are much more smooth in Fable III than any of the other games, even Fable II. I don't know if it's because they had more time to utilize the 360 hardware or not, but everything just looks allot better. Even the Heros. In Fable II one of my gripes was that my chick character failed to look like a chick. Or at least one that I would want to have sex with. So I guess what I'm saying is that my chick character in Fable III is more fuckable. Also, all the humor from the series is present in Fable III, but now they've really cranked it up by having a great cast of voice actors such as John Cleese and Simon Pegg.

One of my favorite improvements to the series is the landowning system in Fable III. Buying and renting land was dogshit in Fable II, but now it's totally worth it, and depending on your morality, kind of crucial in the latter part of the main quest. One of the best things though, is how you can actually see your money. There's a room in the Sanctuary (an area that acts as your "super secret base") that consists of a giant dome. Your money, as it amasses, literally becomes a mountain that you can climb. It's just like Duck Tales.

Still, Fable III is too much like Fable II and Fable I in that the main quest is rather short, and the replay value is quite low. In all three games, you basically play your first time as one morality alignment, then try it again on the other. Fable III does have more meat on it's bones, so to speak, but eventually you'll get to a point where it's all been done before. This is really true for almost any game, but the difference to me is how long it takes you to reach the point of no return. Quality wise, Fable III should at this point be placed in the upper echelon of games, a place where such greats as the Assassin's Creed, Mass Effect, and Dragon Age series, as well as titles such as Borderlands and Morrowind (but not Oblivion) reside. But as an overall game it falls short. It is still the best in the series, but you will tire of it very quickly, and that is a shame. If you are a fan of the series, it is worth it, but buy it used, because the charm wears off very quickly.





Saturday, March 5, 2011

Game Review: Two Worlds 2

Two Worlds was a game that I first heard about in mid 2006. It was described then as an open-sandbox style medieval fantasy RPG, much like Oblivion but even better. But it wasn't. And nobody knew how much it wasn't until we all bought our copies of the game in 2007 and experienced total game failure. Total game failure that I don't think had been ever been experience on (what where then) next-gen consoles. I could go on and on about how, Two Worlds was one of the worst games I've ever played.  Everything was bad. It wasn't an Oblivion killer, it was barely even a game. The graphics....oh Christ...the shitty...shitty..generic, repetitive graphics this game had. The generic story line. The horrible PS2 cut-scenes. The unrewarding combat system. The horse riding. The worst voice acting ever recorded. I officially stopped playing when I encountered a peasant with clothing so fucked up I couldn't tell if I was looking at chest hair and nipples or a design pattern. If not convinced of the appaling lack of anything great in Two Worlds, check out this short educational video.

So fast forward to a week ago. Or, actually rewind. Whatever. I'm looking for a new game to play, and I have so many options; Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood. Fable III. A bunch of other shit that's out of my recession budget. And then there's Two Worlds 2, available as a used copy (RED FLAG!), with a price I can afford.

They made a sequel? Wh-why?! 

It's true, there is a sequel. And I had known about it for awhile. And tracked it's progress. And was aware that in beta testing, the game was supposed to be much better than the first one. But I did not know what the reviews were, and so I asked a Game Stop employee for a back copy of GI. The reviews were somewhat better than mediocre. GI gave it a 7.5, which really isn't that bad, that's like a B or a B minus. And the review said that if you could look past the flaws, it was a decent RPG to play until Dragon Age II or Skyrim come out.

So I bought it. And apparently at Game Stop if you buy a used game now, you have a full week to try it and if you don't like it you can bring it back in for a full refund. I drove home with my copy thinking "I'm going to play the shit out of this thing and beat it like 70 times in about two days, then trade it back in and buy another game. WINNING."

I got home, popped that shit in, and..well...the opening scene looked really good. Then I got to the part where I created my character, and that's were the failure started. While the creation system is much deeper in Two Worlds 2, I fucked up about 2 times and had to restart the whole game because the controls are so backwards that instead of exiting out of a menu I would inadvertently end the creation process and start the game.

By the time I actually started playing I noticed that the graphics were....kinda better. But the voice acting was still shit. GI claimed that this was part of the game's humor, but I didn't find it particularly endearing, and it only served to reinforce my initial belief that this game was going to be garbage.

And I was right. Because after playing the game for about forty minutes, I realized that there were still some serious problems that were present in the original Two Worlds that Reality Pump left in the sequel. For one, like the character creation menu, the controls in the game were all fucked up.

Ok so I have my sword equipped and, oh shit! Here come some baddies! Ok this is where I start kicking some as...how the fuck do I swing with my sword? Stop swinging with your fists! What the fuck? My sword is equipped, it's even hangin from my belt and...I"M FUCKING DEAD. THIS GAME SUCKS.

Apparently the problem was that, even though my sword was equipped, I needed to hit the down button on the D-pad to take it out. And that's something that takes a while to get used to, and is also unnecessarily complex. And that's a feature that runs rampant within the game-play of Two Worlds 2. Need to teleport somewhere? Good luck. You're going to need to figure how to do that since the instructions are non-existent and the teleportation system is so confusing. Want to sneak past the enemy? Seriously, good fucking luck. I can't even remember how to do it. I think you hold down a trigger or something, and have to be standing still first, and hold the joystick down and in the direction you want to go.

Then, right when I had almost figured all that shit out, the sound cut out. All of it. And then the game crashed. And I just took it back and bought Fable III with the refund I got from Two Worlds 2. According to the receipt, I owned the game for an hour and sixteen minutes.

Rating: Not worth playing for an hour and sixteen minutes


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